Laura: A Bit of Cheating, A Lot of Stress

160 lbs

Things I've eaten in the past five days that I shouldn't have:

2 brownies
2 slices of pizza
bacon salad dressing (which was probably worth a million calories)
3 french fries
6 tator tots
2 peppermint patties
1 mini hershey bar
1 glass of diet dr. pepper
1 bite of french toast
1 cappucino (full fat content)

While I'm sure that the diet Gods (or even worse, Christian Bale) aren't going to reach down from the heavens and strike me dead, I still feel sort of bad for cheating a lot these past five days or so. Mostly, I've fallen into a routine: salad and a piece of fruit for lunch, salad and a piece of fruit for dinner, coffee mid-day, and popcorn in the evening as a snack while I'm studying. But right now, I'm unbelievably stressed out, and all I want to do is eat a bagel. I want to eat a bagel. Smothered in cream cheese. Yum.

I keep telling myself that once I reach my goal weight (which is still like 20lbs away), I can slowly re-introduce foods like sandwiches, cereal, and other more exciting foods back into my diets. There are still foods that I will definitely stay away from (i.e. pizza, donuts, excessive amounts of pasta, etc). But I keep on pushing forward, reminding myself that this lifestyle is not forever. This is a means to an end. Someday, I will be able to eat the occasional bagel, but also possess the ability to say no to horribly unhealthy foods. While this diet is extreme now, it will become less extreme in the future.

I realized how hard this diet is when everyone around me is indifferent. While I still have the support of my roommate, I feel like I don't have the support of my other friends. They all laugh and eat burgers in front of me and tell me that diets are stupid. But all of my friends are skinny. All of them are thin and beautiful and have no idea how humiliating it is to be fat. All of them can find significant others easily, can wear slinky dresses, and get constant compliments. I don't think anyone really understands how much I hate being overweight. I look at pictures of myself and feel uncomfortable pangs of disgust. I go to parties and feel gross. I'm 20 years old, I've never been hit on, I've never been out on a date, and I've never been told I'm good-looking. While I don't live my life waiting around for people to shower me with praise, it is very hard to feel ugly all the time.

I'm not going to give up, because I've been unhappy with myself for too long. Sure, food tastes good, food is comforting, food is enjoyable...but I've depended on it for my whole life and it has never brought me anything but temporary comfort. I don't want to feel disgusted with myself anymore. I want to be able to walk into a room with confidence instead of shame. I have the power to change. And if it gets to the point where no one cares or no one supports me in this endeavor, I don't care. I'm still going to try with every fiber of my being to lose these 20 pounds. I can do it.

I can do it. I will do it.