Laura: An Introduction

175lbs

As I stepped onto the scale earlier this morning, a wave of panic swept over me as I realized that I had finally gained the freshman fifteen. This bothered me for several reasons:

1. I am a sophomore.
2. My jeans aren’t fitting as well.
3. Fifteen can easily turn into twenty. Or thirty.
4. Did I mention that my jeans don’t fit?

The road to being overweight has been one cluttered with donuts, excessive carbohydrates, late night fast food runs, extra helpings of pasta in the CDR, and of course Dominoes Pizza. Speedway mochas, 2 liters of Dr. Pepper, Chipotle Burritos, bagels…my list, long and delicious, goes on and on. I never thought about it much before. I thought, you know, that overeating would somehow still allow me to maintain the same body weight. False. Eating six donuts in the span of six hours=thunder thighs. There’s no way to escape the inevitable.

I’m about to get real here. Weight has always been something I’ve been self conscious about. I’d like to think that I maintain a fairly active lifestyle, and I enjoy exercising. Unfortunately, with the addition of a job, harder classes, and a hearty helping of theatrical involvement to my sophomore year, going to the gym is difficult. I’ve always been on the bigger side. I don’t think I’ve ever been thin, except for maybe when I was between the ages of 4 and 8. In fact, my mom used to call me skinny Minnie. Now, I’m like a gelatinous mass, so far removed from skinny Minnie it’s not even funny. I’d like to be able to blame it on the steroids I took for my asthma as a kid, the antidepressants I took as a teenager, and my large bone structure. Unfortunately, I can’t. When I’m unhappy, I eat. And trust me, when life sucks, a piece of cake is so much better than carrot sticks. No, I can only blame myself for my current state of blubbery-ness. Up until now, I have eaten like crap. Now, things are about to change.

This is where our good friend and role model Christian Bale comes in. While preparing for his role as Trevor Reznik in The Machinist, Bale ate nothing but a can of tuna and an apple a day in order to drop down to 120 pounds. In order to curb his appetite, he took up smoking and drank nonfat lattes. According to imdb.com (the most reliable source when it comes to just about anything), Bale would often find himself in a state of euphoria due to the lack of nutrients entering his body. Taking Bale’s idea and modifying it slightly, my roommate and I have decided to embark on a similar diet. However, there are some fundamental differences. We will not be starving ourselves, for one. I feel like instead of experiencing euphoria, we would be experiencing trips to the Emergency Room.

THE CHRISTIAN BALE DIET

1 cup coffee, black
1 apple
1 can of tuna, drained
Lots and lots of cigarettes
A large paycheck waiting at the other end

THE CHRISTIAN BALE DIET, SLIGHTLY MODIFIED TO PREVENT DEATH

1 cup low fat yogurt
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 low fat cheese stick
Celery sticks or baby carrots
1 mini-bag low fat popcorn
Cherry tomatoes
Lettuce w/ non fat dressing
Coffee w/ non dairy creamer and no-calorie sweetener
Strawberries
Sugar fee trident gum (to replace the cigarettes)

THE RULES

1. Eat when hungry. Starvation is bad.
2. Drink a lot of water. If water tastes like crap, drink crystal light. It’s only 5 calories per bottle of water.
3. No cheating.
4. No eating after 10pm.
5. NO CHEATING

Sounds relatively easy, right? Wrong. This is day two, folks, and I’m sitting here discontent, desperately wanting a piece of bread. I am finding it very hard to divorce carbohydrates. I love them oh-so-much. Chocolate I can live without. But bread? No more sandwiches, no more pasta, no nothing. I suddenly doubt my decision. Day two, and I’m already considering giving up. But the glory days of Skinny Minnie are perhaps about to return, and this interesting exercise in self restraint will perhaps lead to some interesting self discovery.

I'm about to get real again. While it is true that I would love to possess the ability to wear slinky dresses, shorts, and perhaps even a two piece bathing suit, I'd like to think that I'm doing this for more than just superficial reasons. For once, I'm going to finish what I've started, and stick with this and see where it goes. It is not my intention to, you know, end up in a hospital weighing 76 pounds or something like that. This may not exactly be a flashy, fancy-shmancy diet, but it might lead to some entertaining predicaments and hopefully some desired results.