Hannah: Day 2

Weight: 132 lbs
Food Today: 
   2 small salads
   3 bananas
   2 string cheeses
   1 1/2 cups Mocha/Hot Chocolate/who knows what it was, it was gross.
   1 cup juice
   4 glasses of water (ish. maybe more)

This is a diet I am undertaking for shallow reasons. I am desperate to be thin and beautiful. I used to be. Mind, it's not like I'm fat now. I'm just... pudgy, and very displeased with that. I know that beautiful girls are skinny, and guys like beautiful girls. I know that I only properly feel beautiful when good about myself when I'm skinny. I used to have a flat stomach. I used to have thin thighs. I used to be able to count my ribs, and I never felt like that under-chin area was getting fat.

My body does not look good with all this exra weight. I feel disgusting, and when I look at myself, the image isn't any more comforting.

This is not a diet for health reasons. I'm not fat. I'm not unhealthy. I don't need to lose weight. I eat an alright diet, but it could (and will) be better.

In many ways, this is mostly a diet for happiness. When I'm happy with my body, I will be happier with myself in general. I know, because that's how it used to be, and I remember. With all this weight, I rarely feel that I look good, and mainly feel miserable. I'm very self conscious. I've stopped wearing my gorgeous fitted v-necks in favor of looser garments.

And I miss my v-necks. I miss my flat stomach and thin thin thighs. I miss my delicate neck and my ribs.

I was happy at 115 lbs. I was even happier at 110. And I am determined to be happy again.

The problem is as follows: I love food. I eat when I'm bored, anxious, nervous... I love Chinese food and burgers and chicken salad sandwiches. The temptation is awful. I miss sandwiches so much. And of course now is when the CDR decides to start making food I actually want to eat, and curly fries all the time. Damn!

And yes, I could chew gum, but there is something infinitely more satisfying in really eating. In swallowing and ingesting. No amount of gum or water will be able to create that same feeling a sandwich will.

I only wish there was a good I could eat without guilt. Something I could eat and eat and snack upon, and it would be delicious and satisfying, but it would add no calories, no fat, no nothing to me. I wish this just so I could feel that satisfaction of eating without ruining my diet and becoming a walrus.

But enough of such wishful thinking.

I must exhibit self control. I will not cheat, not matter how much I want to, no matter how tempting that chicken caesar wrap seems. I will lose weight. I will be happy with myself again.

I am determined.

Diet Haiku:

Dear Delicious Food:

Stop being so damn tasty

you're killing me here.