Hannah: This is not getting easier for me.

Weight: somewhere around 120.

While I appreciate the idea that eventually, I will not want to cheat, in theory, I thought I would be feeling those sorts of things by now. I am not. Not at all. Not even a little bit. I am very proud of my lovely roommate for really enjoying salads, and really wanting to eat salads, but... I'm not there. And I don't feel like I'm getting there. This diet remains as painful now as it was at day 1. Salads are boring to eat. They don't taste all that good. And I never grew to like salads with a lot of stuff on them. I'm simple that way.

I think stress eating for me was never really about stress. It was about enjoying food and enjoying moments and enjoying life. I eat/ate unhealthy foods because... they taste so good. And good tasting foods are sometimes very satisfying. And yes, sometimes good food really does make me happier. A solid, hearty, warm meal can really lift my spirits. A delicious sandwich can take a bad day and make it brighter. A good burger can make me feel genuinely happy.

Over Christmas Holiday, and spent a lot of time making sandwiches and then taking them down into my room with me, curling into bed, and watching a movie while eating a turkey sandwich. And I was happy. So happy.

While I don't miss the "Oh God, why did I eat that?" moments, I do miss the "That was a perfect, wonderful, filling, delightful meal" moments. Cutting out the late night doughnuts was a good idea, cutting out dinners with friends at restaurants, where I can eat the foods that genuinely make me happy? That was not a good idea.

Perhaps... this diet is not for me. Not in this form. Daily eating habits should remain the same. But sometimes... eating for the sake of happiness is worthwhile. and necessary. 

Laura: Going Green to be Pretty in Pink

161 lbs

I have, believe it or not, actually become quite fond of salads. I find that with each passing day, the desire to eat unhealthy food diminishes. True, sometimes I would love to devour a cheeseburger with a side of pizza, but I'm getting to the point where I feel good about what I'm eating and what I'm doing. I know I haven't quite reached the hunger induced euphoria of our good friend Christian Bale, but I feel content with what I'm putting into my body and it's a great feeling to not feel pangs of guilt after every meal.

This endeavor has been working out much better than I had expected, and I'm already pleased with the results. I have a long road ahead of me, but hey, I'm in for the long haul (which, I think I've mentioned numerous times already). Sure, I'm dreaming of the day where I can eat a bagel or munch on some french fries, but right now I can do without the guilt and feelings of disgust.

In my neverending search for motivation, I have found the cutest dress in the entire world that I am thinking about intentionally buying in a smaller size so I am even more encouraged to stick with this.

Laura: Happiness Isn't at the Bottom of a Pint of Ice Cream

165 lbs (I must have weighed myself at a very inconvenient time last week. Probably after eating a ton of pasta from the Olive Garden in a series of "last meals" with my roommate).

I thought that perhaps this diet was going to cause me to spiral into some sort of deep depression, but quite the opposite has happened. Though I occasionally find myself standing over boxes of pizza, inhaling its intoxicating scent, I am quite proud of the fact that I’ve gone five whole days without cheating. I feel like perhaps the worst is almost over, and by the middle of next week I won’t go to sleep at night longing for a huge bowl of mashed potatoes with a side of pancakes. Someday soon I’ll stop staring longingly at the grill in the CDR, practically salivating over the mere idea of a chicken patty. I’ll be able to drive past Tim Horton’s without feeling compelled to stop in for a Maple Dip Donut. Someday in the very near future, I’ll stop fretting about what I’m not eating and enjoy the things I am consuming. There’s a turning point in the near future. Someday, an orange will become more appetizing than a piece of pizza. A salad will become more appealing than a steak.

Ultimately, I don’t think happiness needs to stem from the food I am eating. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever felt great after eating junk food. Eating a huge dinner at the Olive Garden is fun while it lasts, but when you’re about to burst, you sort of just feel like shit instead of feeling good. Stress eating (aka stuffing your face with half a bag of chips while trying to study for a midterm) ultimately leads to feelings of “Why did I just eat that?”

I feel like perhaps happiness will stem from a positive self image. Satisfaction will most likely come when I have conquered my cravings for an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. When I can look in the mirror and feel attractive, when someone tells me I look good, when I can finally write on an audition form that I would be willing to appear on stage in my underwear, I won’t care that I haven’t eaten bread in a really long time. I am trying to establish a new lifestyle: one that isn’t defined by what I eat. My day should not revolve around food. There is so much more to life than a burger and fries. Sure, those things are good, they taste good, but I don’t need them to be happy.

I am firm in my convictions. This is not a passing fancy. I’m in it for the long haul.

Hannah: Day 4

Weight: 120 (wtf rapid weight fluctuation!?)
Food Today: 
   1 cup yogurt
   1 cup tea
   1 small salad 
   2 bananas
   1 small caesar salad at Applebees. 
 
Note to Self:
DO NOT GO TO RESTAURANTS.

It will break your heart. There is something completely awful in going to a restaurant and looking at the menu, and at the people around you, and seeing all these things that you know are completely delicious, and not being able to eat them. It. Is. Horrible.

Sitting in the Applebee's tonight, that caesar salad was not at all enough. I wanted a burger with those wonderful fries. I wanted hot apple cobbler.I wanted my croutons for god's sake! I wanted meat and carbs and things that taste good.

I am miserable without things that taste beautiful. This is my curse.

Laura: Haiku to Replace Actual Food

Oh how I miss carbs
Bread, pasta, bagels, crackers
I think I might cry.

Pizza, oh pizza
With cheese and pepperoni
My fallen comrade.

Dear Doctor Pepper
Oh so fizzy in my cup
I bid you adieu.

Lettuce, oh lettuce
My newfound lovely friend
You are a delight.

Hannah: Day 2

Weight: 132 lbs
Food Today: 
   2 small salads
   3 bananas
   2 string cheeses
   1 1/2 cups Mocha/Hot Chocolate/who knows what it was, it was gross.
   1 cup juice
   4 glasses of water (ish. maybe more)

This is a diet I am undertaking for shallow reasons. I am desperate to be thin and beautiful. I used to be. Mind, it's not like I'm fat now. I'm just... pudgy, and very displeased with that. I know that beautiful girls are skinny, and guys like beautiful girls. I know that I only properly feel beautiful when good about myself when I'm skinny. I used to have a flat stomach. I used to have thin thighs. I used to be able to count my ribs, and I never felt like that under-chin area was getting fat.

My body does not look good with all this exra weight. I feel disgusting, and when I look at myself, the image isn't any more comforting.

This is not a diet for health reasons. I'm not fat. I'm not unhealthy. I don't need to lose weight. I eat an alright diet, but it could (and will) be better.

In many ways, this is mostly a diet for happiness. When I'm happy with my body, I will be happier with myself in general. I know, because that's how it used to be, and I remember. With all this weight, I rarely feel that I look good, and mainly feel miserable. I'm very self conscious. I've stopped wearing my gorgeous fitted v-necks in favor of looser garments.

And I miss my v-necks. I miss my flat stomach and thin thin thighs. I miss my delicate neck and my ribs.

I was happy at 115 lbs. I was even happier at 110. And I am determined to be happy again.

The problem is as follows: I love food. I eat when I'm bored, anxious, nervous... I love Chinese food and burgers and chicken salad sandwiches. The temptation is awful. I miss sandwiches so much. And of course now is when the CDR decides to start making food I actually want to eat, and curly fries all the time. Damn!

And yes, I could chew gum, but there is something infinitely more satisfying in really eating. In swallowing and ingesting. No amount of gum or water will be able to create that same feeling a sandwich will.

I only wish there was a good I could eat without guilt. Something I could eat and eat and snack upon, and it would be delicious and satisfying, but it would add no calories, no fat, no nothing to me. I wish this just so I could feel that satisfaction of eating without ruining my diet and becoming a walrus.

But enough of such wishful thinking.

I must exhibit self control. I will not cheat, not matter how much I want to, no matter how tempting that chicken caesar wrap seems. I will lose weight. I will be happy with myself again.

I am determined.

Diet Haiku:

Dear Delicious Food:

Stop being so damn tasty

you're killing me here.

Laura: An Introduction

175lbs

As I stepped onto the scale earlier this morning, a wave of panic swept over me as I realized that I had finally gained the freshman fifteen. This bothered me for several reasons:

1. I am a sophomore.
2. My jeans aren’t fitting as well.
3. Fifteen can easily turn into twenty. Or thirty.
4. Did I mention that my jeans don’t fit?

The road to being overweight has been one cluttered with donuts, excessive carbohydrates, late night fast food runs, extra helpings of pasta in the CDR, and of course Dominoes Pizza. Speedway mochas, 2 liters of Dr. Pepper, Chipotle Burritos, bagels…my list, long and delicious, goes on and on. I never thought about it much before. I thought, you know, that overeating would somehow still allow me to maintain the same body weight. False. Eating six donuts in the span of six hours=thunder thighs. There’s no way to escape the inevitable.

I’m about to get real here. Weight has always been something I’ve been self conscious about. I’d like to think that I maintain a fairly active lifestyle, and I enjoy exercising. Unfortunately, with the addition of a job, harder classes, and a hearty helping of theatrical involvement to my sophomore year, going to the gym is difficult. I’ve always been on the bigger side. I don’t think I’ve ever been thin, except for maybe when I was between the ages of 4 and 8. In fact, my mom used to call me skinny Minnie. Now, I’m like a gelatinous mass, so far removed from skinny Minnie it’s not even funny. I’d like to be able to blame it on the steroids I took for my asthma as a kid, the antidepressants I took as a teenager, and my large bone structure. Unfortunately, I can’t. When I’m unhappy, I eat. And trust me, when life sucks, a piece of cake is so much better than carrot sticks. No, I can only blame myself for my current state of blubbery-ness. Up until now, I have eaten like crap. Now, things are about to change.

This is where our good friend and role model Christian Bale comes in. While preparing for his role as Trevor Reznik in The Machinist, Bale ate nothing but a can of tuna and an apple a day in order to drop down to 120 pounds. In order to curb his appetite, he took up smoking and drank nonfat lattes. According to imdb.com (the most reliable source when it comes to just about anything), Bale would often find himself in a state of euphoria due to the lack of nutrients entering his body. Taking Bale’s idea and modifying it slightly, my roommate and I have decided to embark on a similar diet. However, there are some fundamental differences. We will not be starving ourselves, for one. I feel like instead of experiencing euphoria, we would be experiencing trips to the Emergency Room.

THE CHRISTIAN BALE DIET

1 cup coffee, black
1 apple
1 can of tuna, drained
Lots and lots of cigarettes
A large paycheck waiting at the other end

THE CHRISTIAN BALE DIET, SLIGHTLY MODIFIED TO PREVENT DEATH

1 cup low fat yogurt
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 low fat cheese stick
Celery sticks or baby carrots
1 mini-bag low fat popcorn
Cherry tomatoes
Lettuce w/ non fat dressing
Coffee w/ non dairy creamer and no-calorie sweetener
Strawberries
Sugar fee trident gum (to replace the cigarettes)

THE RULES

1. Eat when hungry. Starvation is bad.
2. Drink a lot of water. If water tastes like crap, drink crystal light. It’s only 5 calories per bottle of water.
3. No cheating.
4. No eating after 10pm.
5. NO CHEATING

Sounds relatively easy, right? Wrong. This is day two, folks, and I’m sitting here discontent, desperately wanting a piece of bread. I am finding it very hard to divorce carbohydrates. I love them oh-so-much. Chocolate I can live without. But bread? No more sandwiches, no more pasta, no nothing. I suddenly doubt my decision. Day two, and I’m already considering giving up. But the glory days of Skinny Minnie are perhaps about to return, and this interesting exercise in self restraint will perhaps lead to some interesting self discovery.

I'm about to get real again. While it is true that I would love to possess the ability to wear slinky dresses, shorts, and perhaps even a two piece bathing suit, I'd like to think that I'm doing this for more than just superficial reasons. For once, I'm going to finish what I've started, and stick with this and see where it goes. It is not my intention to, you know, end up in a hospital weighing 76 pounds or something like that. This may not exactly be a flashy, fancy-shmancy diet, but it might lead to some entertaining predicaments and hopefully some desired results.